ground zero

it took so long just to gained the courage to try it once again. and i have to say it is really hard to gain this confidence. been fidgeting, passively and voluntarily ignoring whatever that is happening around. lets put it this way, to get out from comfort zone and to step into an unknown place, it is really scary. and i was pretty sure i was not, never ever ready for it. but then i decided well, it is time to take myself to somewhere 'better'...



well i should have known earlier. or at least realized it. or the least do some prevention, in order to get hurt less. if there is such thing. but then reality never stray away too far.. they just went away to make life seems okay for awhile, and they came back just to hit you strongly. enough to knock you off the cloud. i was stepped, not literally, but i felt so. embarrassed, stripped naked with no shield to hide, emptiness.. all this emotions came flowing back right at that moment. for once, i was thinking, who i am kidding with? should have known. no, i DO know. only ignoring it.

so here i am. back to ground zero. lost the confidence. not knowing what to do, not knowing how. digging a hole again like the mole to hide away from the world for awhile. til i decided next things to do..isn't this heart is too fragile to be just crushed into pieces again?? maybe i wasn't intended to do this from the beginning. but what can i do. i wasted my youth for this and there is no turning back. only a black road that i can't see. practically walking in blind..