dissappointment

the whole week since that ordeal of him not allowing me my leave, i know it is my fault, but there is something called emergency leave, i think i left my heart somewhere else instead of working. the best i can do is only not putting on faces. but to be honest, im a bit tired of working under this circumstances.

i can try to push blame but im in not mood to so. i just want to justify my action, my future action. mom and bro been trying to make me stay. but i think if nothing goes wrong, i will be resign next year mid-year. (i cant quit early, i need the 2 yrs) staying here i dont think i will grow. despite he said that he hope i can go somewhere where my position can be the same or better than now if i decided to leave. to be honest, i never mind the position. never more than my mom. to me all just name and temporary. im not making any extra a lot than other people. and im not working extra than other people. which makes me uncomfortable. for the fact people think im earning a lot but good god, it is not enough to pay for my own house.

i want to go somewhere that i can learn more, see more and hear more. gotta admit, that i learn a lot here, because all the hand-down from a-z that i have to do myself. but files that came in here yearly is not even compared to other's a month. files that i see is all the same so when i get something different, i have no knowledge. im definitely stuck in this 4-wall that i cant reach out anything outside. and definitely not hearing enough. how can you hear anything when your being blocked to have access to radio?

and of course no access to outside world. very seldom do i get to go outside for signing and no need to go developer office. boss suggested to go do marketing since i can get commission. but think of this way la, you go social/marketing, eat drink who foot the bill? definitely yourself. commission my butt. that little commission doesnt cover the drink i drank. hello one night in movida already cost like what RM300++?? i have to top up with my own money somemore?? then where do you think those toxic goes to? my liver. hell. ok not that i mind drinking and going out. in the matter of fact, a lot, i mean A LOT people give me faces when i told them im doing conveyancing and sitting comfortably in my air-cond room and not going out at all. "so not you" they said. but hey, i mind if drinking and going out with my money but the money i earned by 'selling' myself goes to another person. NOT WORTH IT. math doesnt goes that way.

sitting here pleasing people and hoping them make way for you. they change their plan and screw up your. hell no. i prefer sitting around idling and no pleasing people. and i hate people screwing my plan.

maybe and just maybe.